Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
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