Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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