i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
