I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
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