Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Randomize
