the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
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