His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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