I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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