I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
Randomize
