Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Randomize
