There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Nobody cheats on THIS.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
