Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
It's official drugs can't kill me
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
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