I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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