Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
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