dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
please come you make the beer taste better
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Randomize
