Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
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