So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
Randomize
