Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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