my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
