I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
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