you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
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