Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
