The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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