dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
