I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
