I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
