It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Randomize
