Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
well, if it gives you any insight into how crazy it was, i am currently wikipediaing "anullment"
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
