She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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