The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
I made him laugh his dick is mine
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
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