When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
I am mentally ready for anal.
Randomize
