Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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