Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
