It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
the condom got lost in my hair
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
