She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
Randomize
