Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
