My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Randomize
