I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
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