Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
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