I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
The air taste purple.
Randomize
