i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
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