you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Randomize
