she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
