im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
We're using joints as your birthday candles
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Randomize
