I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Randomize
