chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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