fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
