Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
