I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
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