He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
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