in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
