I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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