she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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