At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
