Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
