While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
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