90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
There's always time for handjobs
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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