She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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