if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
sex in a hospital.. check
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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