He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
