By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
