you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
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